Yeah. So my grand idea of writing "every day" on this didn't quite come to fruition. Regardless of that false start, I'll try again. Here and now.
My last day of my last job was Friday. This job I had for a grand total of 3 months and 2 weeks. Almost a record for me. (Sadly, it actually is in fact almost a record for me.) I'm getting fairly desperate at this point to figure out what I want to do with my life, because not only am I convinced that other people have begun to look at me and think "well there's Liz. That sad and lonely 27 year old girl who will never make much of her life," but I have begun to think of myself like that as well. (And most likely my thoughts are the cause of my belief that other people think the same way. Projection is a serious problem for most people, and I'm absolutely the President of the Projection Club. Even though I want to kill projection a lot of the time.)
Now I have time again. I'm not so good with time again, but I'm desperate to be at least better at it this time around. I feel like I should rent an office space so I feel like I'm actually going to work in the mornings, since that might cause my brain to believe that I'm a real, productive person, instead of melting into my couch as it tends to do.
in essence: I am scared. I am scared of free time, I am scared of myself not trying, I am scared that I'll end up at my high school reunion in a year (if I actually end up at the reunion in the first place, which is most definitely debatable), and have to say to people, "Well, I've lived in six different cities since graduation, and had many more jobs than that, but as for me...? Oh, well here's my boyfriend and he works for Dallas Austin."
Yeah that'd be awesome.
I have a year. One year. (It's good to set time limits (right?), and maybe I can scare myself into actually not being scared of life. Which, in essence, is a lot like people who beat their animals in the hopes that the punishment will make them behave. Super positive and realllllly healthy philosophy behind this thinking. Agh. At least I recognize it thought...right?? Ummm...)
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2 comments:
Just don't go to the reunion. I'm not. I have a good job, but I don't like it, and I don't know what I want to do beside talk about getting my Master's, but never going and doing it.
I don't think scaring yourself into not being scared can be equated to people who beat their pets to get them to behave. Just my thoughts on the matter.
You are a wayward youth! It is your essence. In the gifted education field, we would say you are both blessed and cursed with MULTIPOTENTIALITY. To be in your position (and in mine, as my position is quite similar, as you well know) is all-too-common for us folk.
Now...what to do about it?
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